and so i'm here, the night before i leave. too tired and stressed out to feel anything. too numb.
i had moments and memories here too fond for words. had experiences that some wouldnt believe. i had perfect days that ended too sooon; and days that wouldnt end sooon enough. i loved all the horrible days becasue i learned and i hated alll the wonderful days because they passed too quickly.
i know some of the moments here i will never experience again ..but thats okay. because i've already experienced them. i had those moments here and they were perfect.
it was perfect.
everything was perfect.
tchau meu amor, brasil. nao vou esquecer de você.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
tou indo
i leave in 3 days.
only 2 days left in ipatinga, my city
and it doesnt feeel like i'm leaving.
just like before, my suitcases are staring at me, with a big frowny-face, waiting for me to start stufffing everything into them. alll my ugly clothes that i have worn how many times, alll the foood im going to try to sneak into the country, all my brasilian presents. dont wanna pack.
i have an endlist line of post-it notes scattered everywhere. i have each day planned down to the hour because i know i'll forget something. never been this organized in my life. and its kinda scary.
i'm so stresssed about luggage, gooodbyes &squeezing last minute wax/nail appointments that it hasnt hit me. i hope it doesnt hit me until ..never that way i'll save the complete and total meltdown while going through customs in Chicago for later. save me the embarrassment.
i have literally forgotten so much about the US of A that i am going to have the worst culture shock immaginble. i'm going to hug and kiss people out of excitement and i'll get crazy looks. i'm going to speak português like it's everyones first language and i'll get crazy looks. (and give crazy looks back. how don't you understand "oi?!" or "beijos?!" what have you never heard português before?!) i'm going to look for the rice and beans on the table at lunch and i'll get crazy looks. i'm going to reply, "don't worry, i'll take the bus." and get crazy loooks. i'll talk about going to BH for the weekend, like everyone's beeen there ..and get crazy looks.
maybe i'll have reallly bad culture shock ..or maybe as soon as i enter pulaski, pennsylvania and walk into my house ..i'll realize everything is exactly the same. ..expect that barb has rearrange all the tuberware containers, although thats a weekly event.
this has been my life for the past year and now when everything is perfect, when everything fits, i'm expected to give it all up?
only 2 days left in ipatinga, my city
and it doesnt feeel like i'm leaving.
just like before, my suitcases are staring at me, with a big frowny-face, waiting for me to start stufffing everything into them. alll my ugly clothes that i have worn how many times, alll the foood im going to try to sneak into the country, all my brasilian presents. dont wanna pack.
i have an endlist line of post-it notes scattered everywhere. i have each day planned down to the hour because i know i'll forget something. never been this organized in my life. and its kinda scary.
i'm so stresssed about luggage, gooodbyes &squeezing last minute wax/nail appointments that it hasnt hit me. i hope it doesnt hit me until ..never that way i'll save the complete and total meltdown while going through customs in Chicago for later. save me the embarrassment.
i have literally forgotten so much about the US of A that i am going to have the worst culture shock immaginble. i'm going to hug and kiss people out of excitement and i'll get crazy looks. i'm going to speak português like it's everyones first language and i'll get crazy looks. (and give crazy looks back. how don't you understand "oi?!" or "beijos?!" what have you never heard português before?!) i'm going to look for the rice and beans on the table at lunch and i'll get crazy looks. i'm going to reply, "don't worry, i'll take the bus." and get crazy loooks. i'll talk about going to BH for the weekend, like everyone's beeen there ..and get crazy looks.
maybe i'll have reallly bad culture shock ..or maybe as soon as i enter pulaski, pennsylvania and walk into my house ..i'll realize everything is exactly the same. ..expect that barb has rearrange all the tuberware containers, although thats a weekly event.
this has been my life for the past year and now when everything is perfect, when everything fits, i'm expected to give it all up?
Friday, July 8, 2011
denmarkk.
sebastian, some crazy danish kid i call my best friend.
he left yesterday. he left everything he loved in brasil for the Land of the Danes.
i would say that i was somewhat composed at the airport ..but it was like getting the wind knocked out of me.
this kid has been with me throughout this entire year. same friends, same parties, same struggles, same language. along with mike, billie, and clare, we made vale do aço. the five, then threee, famous exchange students.
i would do anything for this kid.
cause i know he would do the exact same for me.
he found me napkins in jorge and matheus when i desperatly needed to wipe offf my face. i laughed at him when he took the bus for the first time and got lost. we helped each other learn a foreign language. i met his brasilian families, he met mine. he slept on the carride home from the airport while i silently cried because of losing my best friend. we created a language together called batman and spoke it fluently. we made a magical mixture with the frozen. he would tell me when guys were ugly. i learned about a country that, before, i could barely locate on a map. we had a legandary night in the land of seven lakes. when he thought i was sleeeping in sete lagoas, i wasnt &heard everything. i laughed until i cried when he told me about burger king and 9days of suicde thoughts. i ran "freeely" down the streeet, next to the walll. fell in love with the danish language. talked about going home and giving up; talked about staying here forever. met family and friends through photos. he told me when i needed to calm down at eleven and i saw him jump in a dumpster. we gave saúde to joao busco in cel fab. ate pastelys in the shopping ..and burnt his upper lip. on this last night, he fell asleep with caipivodeka in his hand.
now these are just memories.
things that make me smile; things that make me laugh.
one of the days i remember so vividly with him was the night before sete lagoas. i was spending the night at his house so we would travel early the next morning. we watched "remember me" and ate toast. then we sat on his balconey at 3am. 3am in timoteo on a wednesday night is completely silent. it was us and brasil. i dont remember what we talked about but it doesnt really matter. it was perfect conversation. i just wanted to stay in that moment forever. and i want to go back to that moment. i wouldnt change anything, nothing at all, i just want to feeel the way i was feeeeling that night.
he's my best friend.
and i miss him
and i love him
and i'll see him again.
te amo batman, meu melhor amigo. até mais tarde, ta.
he left yesterday. he left everything he loved in brasil for the Land of the Danes.
i would say that i was somewhat composed at the airport ..but it was like getting the wind knocked out of me.
this kid has been with me throughout this entire year. same friends, same parties, same struggles, same language. along with mike, billie, and clare, we made vale do aço. the five, then threee, famous exchange students.
i would do anything for this kid.
cause i know he would do the exact same for me.
he found me napkins in jorge and matheus when i desperatly needed to wipe offf my face. i laughed at him when he took the bus for the first time and got lost. we helped each other learn a foreign language. i met his brasilian families, he met mine. he slept on the carride home from the airport while i silently cried because of losing my best friend. we created a language together called batman and spoke it fluently. we made a magical mixture with the frozen. he would tell me when guys were ugly. i learned about a country that, before, i could barely locate on a map. we had a legandary night in the land of seven lakes. when he thought i was sleeeping in sete lagoas, i wasnt &heard everything. i laughed until i cried when he told me about burger king and 9days of suicde thoughts. i ran "freeely" down the streeet, next to the walll. fell in love with the danish language. talked about going home and giving up; talked about staying here forever. met family and friends through photos. he told me when i needed to calm down at eleven and i saw him jump in a dumpster. we gave saúde to joao busco in cel fab. ate pastelys in the shopping ..and burnt his upper lip. on this last night, he fell asleep with caipivodeka in his hand.
now these are just memories.
things that make me smile; things that make me laugh.
one of the days i remember so vividly with him was the night before sete lagoas. i was spending the night at his house so we would travel early the next morning. we watched "remember me" and ate toast. then we sat on his balconey at 3am. 3am in timoteo on a wednesday night is completely silent. it was us and brasil. i dont remember what we talked about but it doesnt really matter. it was perfect conversation. i just wanted to stay in that moment forever. and i want to go back to that moment. i wouldnt change anything, nothing at all, i just want to feeel the way i was feeeeling that night.
he's my best friend.
and i miss him
and i love him
and i'll see him again.
te amo batman, meu melhor amigo. até mais tarde, ta.
Monday, July 4, 2011
odieo isso
i hate this.
i hate this feeeling.
i hate feeling nauseous just thinking about it.
i hate that feeeling of being punched in the stomach after it happens.
i hate that i cry all. the. time.
i hate saying goodbye.
i hate leaving people behind and being left behind.
i hate being so close to people and having them ripped away from me.
i hate that i won't be part of their lives anymore.
i hate knowing that soon, i'll say, "i was an exchange student" rather than "i am an exchange student."
i hate that when i come back "home" everything will be exactly the same, yet completely different.
i hate saying goodbye.
i hate this feeeling.
i hate feeling nauseous just thinking about it.
i hate that feeeling of being punched in the stomach after it happens.
i hate that i cry all. the. time.
i hate saying goodbye.
i hate leaving people behind and being left behind.
i hate being so close to people and having them ripped away from me.
i hate that i won't be part of their lives anymore.
i hate knowing that soon, i'll say, "i was an exchange student" rather than "i am an exchange student."
i hate that when i come back "home" everything will be exactly the same, yet completely different.
i hate saying goodbye.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
highlights of my year;
items that put a smile on my face that happened "só aquil no Brasil:"
*successfully learned the language of português ..and successfully forgetton english.
*had a picnic on top of a waterfall.
* became a local ..not just a tourist.
*been pampered and made into a princess
*had dreams in different languages
*celebrated an American holiday, Thanksgiving, with Brasilians, rice and beans.
*walked (climbed) 17kilometers within 2hours and later saw a sky full of stars.
*became best friends with a Danish boy, two American beauties, and an Austrailian mate.
*held a sleeepy sloth in the Amazon Rainforest.
*learned to become a futebol fan.
*saw the capital of Brasil, Brasília.
*became a human mosquito bite.
*lived off rice and beans.
*learned to sleeep in class ..so deeeply that sometimes i have dreams.
* had a picnic in the midddle of Belo Horizonte with 20 other exchange students.
*slept in a hammock for 5nights in the Amazon, falling asleeep to stars so big and so bright that i almost wanted to turn them offff
*had a "White Sandy Christmas."
*went (and didnt catch) piranha fishing.
*ran around Rio de Janerio, a week before my eighteenth birthday.
*tried every food put into my mouth.
*learned to not underestimate brasilian sun.
*repelled down a waterfall.
*held an alligator that looked mean enough to bite my thumb off.
*saw Rio Amazonas and Rio Silmões meet. (the meeting of the two rivers in the amazon.)
*skipped class with little concern.
*swam in the warmest ocean water in the famous & fabulous Salvador, Bahia.
*learned more than what they teach you at school.
*became a brasilian
*became "uma mineira." (a person from my state, Minas Gerias.)
*became part of my family: a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter.
*became happy and content in life.
*learned about myself and to love myself.
the more i think about it, the more i cant leave this place. look at all these memories. to you, these are just fun stories to hear and cool adventures to read. this doesnt really mean anything to you and why would they? theyre my memories, my adventures, my stories that i want to remember foreverr. this is my life. i have a life here, everything that i could want and more. i just wanna stay in this moment, being young and freee and have everything ahead of me. all the world before me, all the possibilities...
*successfully learned the language of português ..and successfully forgetton english.
*had a picnic on top of a waterfall.
* became a local ..not just a tourist.
*been pampered and made into a princess
*had dreams in different languages
*celebrated an American holiday, Thanksgiving, with Brasilians, rice and beans.
*walked (climbed) 17kilometers within 2hours and later saw a sky full of stars.
*became best friends with a Danish boy, two American beauties, and an Austrailian mate.
*held a sleeepy sloth in the Amazon Rainforest.
*learned to become a futebol fan.
*saw the capital of Brasil, Brasília.
*became a human mosquito bite.
*lived off rice and beans.
*learned to sleeep in class ..so deeeply that sometimes i have dreams.
* had a picnic in the midddle of Belo Horizonte with 20 other exchange students.
*slept in a hammock for 5nights in the Amazon, falling asleeep to stars so big and so bright that i almost wanted to turn them offff
*had a "White Sandy Christmas."
*went (and didnt catch) piranha fishing.
*ran around Rio de Janerio, a week before my eighteenth birthday.
*tried every food put into my mouth.
*learned to not underestimate brasilian sun.
*repelled down a waterfall.
*held an alligator that looked mean enough to bite my thumb off.
*saw Rio Amazonas and Rio Silmões meet. (the meeting of the two rivers in the amazon.)
*skipped class with little concern.
*swam in the warmest ocean water in the famous & fabulous Salvador, Bahia.
*learned more than what they teach you at school.
*became a brasilian
*became "uma mineira." (a person from my state, Minas Gerias.)
*became part of my family: a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter.
*became happy and content in life.
*learned about myself and to love myself.
the more i think about it, the more i cant leave this place. look at all these memories. to you, these are just fun stories to hear and cool adventures to read. this doesnt really mean anything to you and why would they? theyre my memories, my adventures, my stories that i want to remember foreverr. this is my life. i have a life here, everything that i could want and more. i just wanna stay in this moment, being young and freee and have everything ahead of me. all the world before me, all the possibilities...
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
rambling
i've beeen here for exactly 10months
10months of language barriers, cultural confusion, unusual food, new introductions, living out of suitcases, and jumping head first into situations.
in less than a month, this will be over.
i'm almost ready to go home. (i say this very losely and depending on the day)
i'm ready to be normal again!
i havent felt normal in the past 10months ..because of my accent, or becasue of where i've come from, because i'm not a typical brasilian or because i cant relate to my peeers. because i'm different.
i wont be called the gringa (foreigner) or the ameican or the exchange student.
just ariana.
and then theres a part of me that is holding on to each day ..because i know that each day that passes, is one that i wont get back here. my families here mean the world to me, without them i know i woulnt have fallen in love with brasil. they've shown me everything i know here and taught me the language and culture. telling me, "you probably shouldnt wear" and "dont say that to people" ..sparing me embarrassing moments.
but here in brasil, it has turned winter.
winter here is around 60F ..some days are warmer and some are colder.
a perfect example of "winter:" i went to my country clube on sunday afternoon with my dad ..it was cold in the early morning with the clouds hovering above but as it came closer to noon, it became reallly hot. i came home and later realized, that yes, i got sunburn. that stuff only happens here.
but i know in the south of brasil, it actually snows. yess, snow in brasil. you dont see shovels or school delays ..but there is a little frost on the ground.
houses here dont have heaters, why would they need it when it doesnt have negative temperatures and this cold lasts for only 2months. so ususally during the day ..i am bundled in clothes and layers and blankets, drinking tea and eating lots of soup.
i'm not sure in all of brasil, but in my houses here, all the water is solar heated. during the winter, you have to switch the knob so that you can have actually heated water ..because if the day isnt very warm, youll be taking a very freezing shower (i did that once before school and my teeth were chattering the rest of the day.)
another fun fact: there is another brasilian holiday this week:
Corpus Christi.
It is a Catholic hoilday that celebrates the Body of Christ or Holy Communion. It is celebrated on a Thursday ..giving everyone a four day weekend to travel or relax.
i asked some people why they celebrated this hoilday and a lot of them didnt know. all they knew was a four day weeekend was approaching and they were about to sleep in. although most of these people werent Catholic ..shows you how excited and much they love their hoildays even if they have no idea what it is.
other typical brasilian things: during the month of june and july (their winter months) all over brasil celebrates "Festa Juninha" or "Festa de São João" Wikipedia has told me that it was first introduced my Portugal during the colonial period. Men dress up with large straw hats and checkered shirts and the women have pigtails, freckles (with you rarely see here) and country-type clothing. The Northeastern part of Brasil is the most famous and has some of the most richest traditions. Among the schools, each class dances a form of squeeze dance with their partner.
i will be dancing this with my friend ..and embarrassing myself :)
another random fact: my family is leaving in less than two weeks for Germany to pick up their daughter, Laura, who went on exchange. Meaning i have to say goodbye to them soon..which i dont want to ..and i have to move houses, again. i'm either going back to my second family (good possiblity) going back to my third family ..or you know, living out of a suitcase somewhere on the streets. anything is possible.
just a little recap of whats going on :)
10months of language barriers, cultural confusion, unusual food, new introductions, living out of suitcases, and jumping head first into situations.
in less than a month, this will be over.
i'm almost ready to go home. (i say this very losely and depending on the day)
i'm ready to be normal again!
i havent felt normal in the past 10months ..because of my accent, or becasue of where i've come from, because i'm not a typical brasilian or because i cant relate to my peeers. because i'm different.
i wont be called the gringa (foreigner) or the ameican or the exchange student.
just ariana.
and then theres a part of me that is holding on to each day ..because i know that each day that passes, is one that i wont get back here. my families here mean the world to me, without them i know i woulnt have fallen in love with brasil. they've shown me everything i know here and taught me the language and culture. telling me, "you probably shouldnt wear" and "dont say that to people" ..sparing me embarrassing moments.
but here in brasil, it has turned winter.
winter here is around 60F ..some days are warmer and some are colder.
a perfect example of "winter:" i went to my country clube on sunday afternoon with my dad ..it was cold in the early morning with the clouds hovering above but as it came closer to noon, it became reallly hot. i came home and later realized, that yes, i got sunburn. that stuff only happens here.
but i know in the south of brasil, it actually snows. yess, snow in brasil. you dont see shovels or school delays ..but there is a little frost on the ground.
houses here dont have heaters, why would they need it when it doesnt have negative temperatures and this cold lasts for only 2months. so ususally during the day ..i am bundled in clothes and layers and blankets, drinking tea and eating lots of soup.
i'm not sure in all of brasil, but in my houses here, all the water is solar heated. during the winter, you have to switch the knob so that you can have actually heated water ..because if the day isnt very warm, youll be taking a very freezing shower (i did that once before school and my teeth were chattering the rest of the day.)
another fun fact: there is another brasilian holiday this week:
Corpus Christi.
It is a Catholic hoilday that celebrates the Body of Christ or Holy Communion. It is celebrated on a Thursday ..giving everyone a four day weekend to travel or relax.
i asked some people why they celebrated this hoilday and a lot of them didnt know. all they knew was a four day weeekend was approaching and they were about to sleep in. although most of these people werent Catholic ..shows you how excited and much they love their hoildays even if they have no idea what it is.
other typical brasilian things: during the month of june and july (their winter months) all over brasil celebrates "Festa Juninha" or "Festa de São João" Wikipedia has told me that it was first introduced my Portugal during the colonial period. Men dress up with large straw hats and checkered shirts and the women have pigtails, freckles (with you rarely see here) and country-type clothing. The Northeastern part of Brasil is the most famous and has some of the most richest traditions. Among the schools, each class dances a form of squeeze dance with their partner.
i will be dancing this with my friend ..and embarrassing myself :)
another random fact: my family is leaving in less than two weeks for Germany to pick up their daughter, Laura, who went on exchange. Meaning i have to say goodbye to them soon..which i dont want to ..and i have to move houses, again. i'm either going back to my second family (good possiblity) going back to my third family ..or you know, living out of a suitcase somewhere on the streets. anything is possible.
just a little recap of whats going on :)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
minha familia
somehow i managed to squeeze my entire life into two huge suitcases, one carry-on bag, a backpack and one purse. i don't know how it happened ..but it did. i had my fingers crosssd the whole time.
all the suitcases, spring cleaning and goodbyes only mean one thing: it's moving day.
i changed families, again. i came back to my first host family to spend my last month with them ..since i was only in their house for barely 3months.
i dont care how many times i change families, or how they live just down the road or how we promise we'll see each other soon ..it doesnt make it any less easier. of course it was raining that day (i swear it has to rain every time that i move) i sat on the sofa ..waiting, of course since brasilians are always late, and thought i want to get this over with. i want to say goodbye and i want to stay a little longer. i want to stay but i know i cant. i tried thinking of things to say, how to express my graditude, how to say i love you in a "host daughter/sister" kind-of way. how many times i could say thankyou without it becoming annoying. but when the time came, i didnt say much of anything ..just squeezed extra tight with my hugs and gave extra kisses ..and hope that somehow they already know how much they mean to me.
i felt like i just moved into this family ..i still remember what we had the first day for lunch (lasagna) and how my little sister took my hand, saying "vem ca" (come here) and showed me my room.
unlike all my other families, i adjusted really quickly here; within days i felt at homee. i moved in and the next weekend was Carnaval, the holiday i spent with my father's side of the family ..a family more out of control than "a bunch of clowns." we did nothing that weekend but bond ..i got to know my "new" family better. my brother took me to my first futbol (soccer) game days after ..and i realized how much i love brasil and their ridiculous fans (people literally had "tramp stamps" of their team's mascot.) for my sister's birthday, i watched as my father made homemade pizza ..and then later ate it the next morning for breakfast. all the weeekday nights with my parents going out to bars and all the sunday afternooons at the club in my bikkini. the weekend where i just spent with my mom, having our nails done and eating what felt like 3kilos of sushi ..how much our bellies ached afterwards and how we swore we would jog the next morning ..which of course didnt happened. that saturday afternoon by the pool with my sister and her friends, when i learned i could relate more to her than i thought. how often my mom embarrassed my sister and how often i thought my brother loved the dog, megan (pronounced meggie) more than he liked me. learning how my mom talks about food as if she is a culinary artist ..when she simply loves to eat and all the times i heard my dad snoring on the sofa. easter holiday was spent in the city of my mother and i felt at home at my grandma's house ..doing nothing but spend time with my sister. i dont know how many times i came home traveling and foundd myself being dragged along to this party or this show ..becasue here in brasil, it just doesnt stop. all the times i heard my mom speak english and know that her accent is the cutest thing possible. the week of school that i didnt go to class because of testing and i stayed up hours and hours just talking to my sister, showing her my world and learning more about hers. and i'll always remember how my mom promised to come to pennsylvania for my college graduation ..and then my wedding ..and then later to see her "grandchildren" ..i giggled in delight and knew that i would always have a home in 118 rua treze de maio, barrio dás águas and they'll always have a home in pennsylvania ..or wherever in the world i end up staying.
all the suitcases, spring cleaning and goodbyes only mean one thing: it's moving day.
i changed families, again. i came back to my first host family to spend my last month with them ..since i was only in their house for barely 3months.
i dont care how many times i change families, or how they live just down the road or how we promise we'll see each other soon ..it doesnt make it any less easier. of course it was raining that day (i swear it has to rain every time that i move) i sat on the sofa ..waiting, of course since brasilians are always late, and thought i want to get this over with. i want to say goodbye and i want to stay a little longer. i want to stay but i know i cant. i tried thinking of things to say, how to express my graditude, how to say i love you in a "host daughter/sister" kind-of way. how many times i could say thankyou without it becoming annoying. but when the time came, i didnt say much of anything ..just squeezed extra tight with my hugs and gave extra kisses ..and hope that somehow they already know how much they mean to me.
i felt like i just moved into this family ..i still remember what we had the first day for lunch (lasagna) and how my little sister took my hand, saying "vem ca" (come here) and showed me my room.
unlike all my other families, i adjusted really quickly here; within days i felt at homee. i moved in and the next weekend was Carnaval, the holiday i spent with my father's side of the family ..a family more out of control than "a bunch of clowns." we did nothing that weekend but bond ..i got to know my "new" family better. my brother took me to my first futbol (soccer) game days after ..and i realized how much i love brasil and their ridiculous fans (people literally had "tramp stamps" of their team's mascot.) for my sister's birthday, i watched as my father made homemade pizza ..and then later ate it the next morning for breakfast. all the weeekday nights with my parents going out to bars and all the sunday afternooons at the club in my bikkini. the weekend where i just spent with my mom, having our nails done and eating what felt like 3kilos of sushi ..how much our bellies ached afterwards and how we swore we would jog the next morning ..which of course didnt happened. that saturday afternoon by the pool with my sister and her friends, when i learned i could relate more to her than i thought. how often my mom embarrassed my sister and how often i thought my brother loved the dog, megan (pronounced meggie) more than he liked me. learning how my mom talks about food as if she is a culinary artist ..when she simply loves to eat and all the times i heard my dad snoring on the sofa. easter holiday was spent in the city of my mother and i felt at home at my grandma's house ..doing nothing but spend time with my sister. i dont know how many times i came home traveling and foundd myself being dragged along to this party or this show ..becasue here in brasil, it just doesnt stop. all the times i heard my mom speak english and know that her accent is the cutest thing possible. the week of school that i didnt go to class because of testing and i stayed up hours and hours just talking to my sister, showing her my world and learning more about hers. and i'll always remember how my mom promised to come to pennsylvania for my college graduation ..and then my wedding ..and then later to see her "grandchildren" ..i giggled in delight and knew that i would always have a home in 118 rua treze de maio, barrio dás águas and they'll always have a home in pennsylvania ..or wherever in the world i end up staying.
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