tchau meu amor

and so i'm here, the night before i leave. too tired and stressed out to feel anything. too numb.

i had moments and memories here too fond for words. had experiences that some wouldnt believe. i had perfect days that ended too sooon; and days that wouldnt end sooon enough. i loved all the horrible days becasue i learned and i hated alll the wonderful days because they passed too quickly.
i know some of the moments here i will never experience again ..but thats okay. because i've already experienced them. i had those moments here and they were perfect.
it was perfect.
everything was perfect.
tchau meu amor, brasil. nao vou esquecer de você.

tou indo

i leave in 3 days.
only 2 days left in ipatinga, my city
and it doesnt feeel like i'm leaving.

just like before, my suitcases are staring at me, with a big frowny-face, waiting for me to start stufffing everything into them. alll my ugly clothes that i have worn how many times, alll the foood im going to try to sneak into the country, all my brasilian presents. dont wanna pack.
i have an endlist line of post-it notes scattered everywhere. i have each day planned down to the hour because i know i'll forget something. never been this organized in my life. and its kinda scary.

i'm so stresssed about luggage, gooodbyes &squeezing last minute wax/nail appointments that it hasnt hit me. i hope it doesnt hit me until ..never that way i'll save the complete and total meltdown while going through customs in Chicago for later. save me the embarrassment.

i have literally forgotten so much about the US of A that i am going to have the worst culture shock immaginble. i'm going to hug and kiss people out of excitement and i'll get crazy looks. i'm going to speak português like it's everyones first language and i'll get crazy looks. (and give crazy looks back. how don't you understand "oi?!" or "beijos?!" what have you never heard português before?!) i'm going to look for the rice and beans on the table at lunch and i'll get crazy looks. i'm going to reply, "don't worry, i'll take the bus." and get crazy loooks. i'll talk about going to BH for the weekend, like everyone's beeen there ..and get crazy looks.
maybe i'll have reallly bad culture shock ..or maybe as soon as i enter pulaski, pennsylvania and walk into my house ..i'll realize everything is exactly the same. ..expect that barb has rearrange all the tuberware containers, although thats a weekly event.
this has been my life for the past year and now when everything is perfect, when everything fits, i'm expected to give it all up?

denmarkk.

sebastian, some crazy danish kid i call my best friend.
he left yesterday. he left everything he loved in brasil for the Land of the Danes.
i would say that i was somewhat composed at the airport ..but it was like getting the wind knocked out of me.
this kid has been with me throughout this entire year. same friends, same parties, same struggles, same language. along with mike, billie, and clare, we made vale do aço. the five, then threee, famous exchange students.
i would do anything for this kid.
cause i know he would do the exact same for me.
he found me napkins in jorge and matheus when i desperatly needed to wipe offf my face. i laughed at him when he took the bus for the first time and got lost. we helped each other learn a foreign language. i met his brasilian families, he met mine. he slept on the carride home from the airport while i silently cried because of losing my best friend. we created a language together called batman and spoke it fluently. we made a magical mixture with the frozen. he would tell me when guys were ugly. i learned about a country that, before, i could barely locate on a map. we had a legandary night in the land of seven lakes. when he thought i was sleeeping in sete lagoas, i wasnt &heard everything. i laughed until i cried when he told me about burger king and 9days of suicde thoughts. i ran "freeely" down the streeet, next to the walll. fell in love with the danish language. talked about going home and giving up; talked about staying here forever. met family and friends through photos. he told me when i needed to calm down at eleven and i saw him jump in a dumpster. we gave saúde to joao busco in cel fab. ate pastelys in the shopping ..and burnt his upper lip. on this last night, he fell asleep with caipivodeka in his hand.
now these are just memories.
things that make me smile; things that make me laugh.
one of the days i remember so vividly with him was the night before sete lagoas. i was spending the night at his house so we would travel early the next morning. we watched "remember me" and ate toast. then we sat on his balconey at 3am. 3am in timoteo on a wednesday night is completely silent. it was us and brasil. i dont remember what we talked about but it doesnt really matter. it was perfect conversation. i just wanted to stay in that moment forever. and i want to go back to that moment. i wouldnt change anything, nothing at all, i just want to feeel the way i was feeeeling that night.
he's my best friend.
and i miss him
and i love him
and i'll see him again.
te amo batman, meu melhor amigo. até mais tarde, ta.

odieo isso

i hate this.
i hate this feeeling.
i hate feeling nauseous just thinking about it.
i hate that feeeling of being punched in the stomach after it happens.
i hate that i cry all. the. time.
i hate saying goodbye.
i hate leaving people behind and being left behind.
i hate being so close to people and having them ripped away from me.
i hate that i won't be part of their lives anymore.
i hate knowing that soon, i'll say, "i was an exchange student" rather than "i am an exchange student."
i hate that when i come back "home" everything will be exactly the same, yet completely different.
i hate saying goodbye.